Sharing

As a younger man, I wrote much poetry that nobody has read. It wasn't for anyone, really. It was my way of having a conversation with myself without seeming crazy. I haven't touched a pen in years though, and a few days ago I found my old notebooks and browsed through them.

Each page brought back specific and vivid memories about friends and family, as well as various events throughout my life. Looking through the pages, I started to realize how irrelevant some of the notes and poems I wrote are to me today. Reading my notes made me question some actions and the motives behind them from my past that at the time seemed proper. I was somewhat surprised to find myself not wanting to read some of the things I wrote only a few years ago. In fact, I'm sure that I would not consider a loss had some of the things which took me days to write were destroyed.

I decided to go through my old works because recently I started questioning whether I have lost touch with who I used to be, as some people believe and told me so recently. Apparently I'm not the same, because I don't share my thoughts with them, or I keep my quiet around them. After thinking about it, I don't believe I've lost touch with who I am or who I want to be. I submit that I have changed, but only in the sense that I have matured and am a little calmer and level-headed than before. Hopefully I'm a little smarter too. I might have decided to keep some aspects of myself more private. Just because I no longer readily share my deepest thoughts and feelings with people does not mean that I have somehow become shallow. I simply have narrowed my list of people that I'd let into my inner world. It's not that I have less trust in people. Rather, I know who I can trust, and who can be a good counselor and guide to me. Oftentimes, even though I know I can trust certain people, their lack of maturity or understanding of certain issues and ideas makes me feel like trusting them with my thoughts and problems will most likely be an exercise in futility. I'm not saying they're stupid. I simply feel like they have little substantial to offer me spiritually or mentally in certain subjects.

Another reason I do not share many of my thoughts and issues with others is that I've always enjoyed being a loner. I always reached out to people for advice only after I had totally pondered and digested my problems in my own head. Sometimes I even enjoy keeping my thoughts to myself and enjoying them alone. That's not selfish - they're my thoughts I can do whatever I want with them.

People shouldn't be bothered by that. I don't expect to know everything that happens in my friends' lives, no matter how close they are to me. Anyone who is more eager to know about other people's problems instead of concentrating on their own issues and hurdles in life simply doesn't have his or her priorities straight.