Death

There was a time when I truly believed I would never die. I understood that most people in their young years, full of energy and confidence, believe the same thing. However, my conviction seemed to me somehow different, as if it was supported by an intangible force that surrounded and protected me at every action, every situation I found myself in. I truly believed that, although I could be hurt or injured, no matter the severity of the injury, I would survive it and recover fully.

As I grew older and contemplated my life, my view on my mortality changed. I began to see my life through the eyes, not of an idealistic, hopeless romantic dreamer, but a practical young man taking my first real steps into adulthood and responsibility. The inevitability of my death started dawning in my mind, and I was curiously fine with it. At that point, I still believed that I could go head-to-head with a truck and emerge the winner, but I realized that I would not live forever. The fair number of funerals I had already attended by that point reinforced that realization.
One thing I need to point out is that there has always been a duality in me when it comes to death. Though I had all these convictions I just talked about, a part of me was open to the notion of death, and I welcomed it. In fact, for reasons I do not wish to talk about at this point, there have been times in my life when I preferred it. Furthermore, although I was convinced I would live forever, I never really cared if I ended up dying. To me death was like a big dog – scared of it but wanting to play with it at the same time.

Then I became a dad. Parenthood is truly a life-changing event, which cannot be understood unless you experience it. Apart from realizing that everything I preach about, everything I believe I must now put into practice and focus it on this little human being, I now find myself fearing death. My confidence and my fearless approach to life and death have now all been put to question by the existence of my daughter. The disregard I have been showing towards my life has been replaced by an almost panicky vigilance because of the fact that I now have to nurture, protect and raise this little miracle.

The invincible man who looked at death and welcomed it now is afraid of dying. Maybe this is the true beginning of the contemplation of my mortality.